i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Randomize
