I'm sorry my penis didn't work
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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