trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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