i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize