I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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