fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She's like a pop up book from hell.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We talked him into tasing himself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize