thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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