TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
