Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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