i dedicated my morning wood to you.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
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