Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
i think i have two assholes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
