Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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