Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
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Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
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Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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