I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Randomize
