I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
