cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
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There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
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Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.