Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just threw up on my dentist
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.