I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
