i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
