i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
