so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
