Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
