all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
