I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
