Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
