naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
