yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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