I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
