If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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