I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
