Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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