To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
