I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
