sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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