Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
