i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
