We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
