I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
a search helicopter?!
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
