I think I won the penis lottery.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
