i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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