Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
