I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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