found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
