so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Randomize
