We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
