Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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