I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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