She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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