You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
