Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
foreskin is a definite game changer
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
