She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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