I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Randomize
