So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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