I am puke
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
that is very illegal...i love you.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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