happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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