woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just invented taco cereal.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
They have beer where we have blood.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
