Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize
