I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
