That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Randomize
