She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
