Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
