For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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