Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
